Chipping Away at my Pride and Making sure my Identity is found Solely in Christ
The night before Julie turned 1 month old I had a very humbling experience. I had a discharge coming out of the top of my gluteal cleft (aka my butt crack, as my doctor put it). When we were at the hospital I asked my husband not to let anyone know, because I was embarrassed about what I was dealing with. I didn’t want to project an image of weakness or needing help from others, and was letting my pride get in the way of humbling myself and asking for prayer. There is not really a dignified way to talk about a problem with your butt crack. It’s pretty much just gross, and I didn’t even want to tell my husband, and only did because I needed him to take me to the ER.
It was scary taking Julie with us to the ER. Of all the places one could take a newborn, the ER is certainly one of the germiest. I prayed for protection for her through the whole ordeal. I was feeling guilty that Brandon was taking care of our baby and me. I was feeling inadequate as a mother again, since I was too sick to take care of her. When we were in the hospital, and then later when we got home, I just felt like I was a drain on our family while Brandon was running around waiting on me hand and foot and taking care of Julie. I knew I had to take care of myself and get healthy, but I felt to guilty not being able to be the main parent taking care of our baby girl.
The treatment for the infection I had was very painful. I had made it through childbirth without tears, but the doctors touching my infected wounds brought me to tears. Whenever it was time for my treatment I would find myself getting anxious about the pain. I started reading my Bible, a lot of Phillipians and Psalms, and trying to focus on the promise that God doesn’t leave me or forsake me. The pain got less each time, but I was still in a lot of pain when we were being sent home, and Brandon was supposed to take care of it for me. He really has lived up to the “in sickness and health” part of our marriage vows a lot already, and I’m so grateful for how he takes such good care of me.
Spiritual Lessons: I am worthy of love because of Christ, even when I feel gross and unlovable. I need to not have pride when doing life with others, but be transparent, even sharing about embarassing things. God wants to use my experiences in my life to change me and help others, so I shouldn’t keep things to myself because I don’t want my own image damaged from what I think it should be. He wants to use my whole life story for his glory, not just the cleaned up parts that I want to share. I feel humiliated when something embarrassing happens when I’m wrapped up in my own image. But when my identity is in Christ, I can be humble, without worrying about how I look to others. My life is about Jesus, and how he wants to use me, not about me.
Going forward: It’s been quite a roller coaster emotionally and physically. Some challenges I expected, most I did not. God has been doing a lot of work in my heart, and I’m grateful to be able to know he’s at work in my life, through all the trials, and that he has a purpose for it all, and he goes with me through it all.